Is the original Baby Groot Hug Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey shirt the one that was written all on one massive sheet of paper? Or was it one paragraph? I’m trying to remember what was so special about the original manuscript from Freshman English years ago. The thing that I remember most vividly from that book was towards the end; Kerouac describing the jungle as they traveled deeper into South America and everything became more wild and earthy. Your original descriptions of the Forest way back when you started the story kind of remind me of that.
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Glad you’re getting some good reading in on top of being so busy! I’m not nearly as good at words as you are, but I’m happy you’ve found what appears to be some good energy with that sort of writing style. Do keep yours as is though! I wouldn’t have read this far if your style was eh. There’s of course always improvement handy though. Improving is Baby Groot Hug Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey shirt because there aren’t any easy metrics to tell when you’re getting better… it’s a slow process, and like you’re saying, making huge abrupt changes to style typically does more harm than good. Better to try things a little bit at a time and build on what works.
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This one is full to bursting with verbs and actions and energy, it has only one subject, and it minds its antecedents so well that I barely realized it was just one sentence until you mentioned it. All of which is to say you picked one heck of an example, and I agree with what you already know: A lot can be learned from this sentence. Yeah for real, I want to be able to write like this so bad it hurts. No, I think you’re right, for that line to work we’d need a more active narrator. I like your solution, but for now, I think I’m going to flag it Baby Groot Hug Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey shirt so I don’t have to slow down the first part of the sentence with a “had”.